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Texting and driving may not kill you, but everyone dies eventually… — Galaxy 8 and up: Ice, ladders, and throat punches are much more dangerous than people realize. If you live in Philly or Boston, the throat punch will kill you. Anywhere else, you’ll have an icy ladder accident. iPhone X-12: There is a fifty percent chance you’ll die of heart disease…

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Shingles is calling from inside your body, and it doesn’t need a phone. It’s been there since that childhood bout of chickenpox and it signed a long-term rental agreement alongside your early internalizations of misogyny. Of course, you didn't know the lasting impacts of chickenpox when you counted those itchy…

Librarian A few lucky prisoners get to work surrounded by old book mustiness and rub it in the faces of the cafeteria workers down the hall, all while still getting exploited! Twelve cents an hour to organize the stacks? Yes, please! 2. Teach and tutor other inmates As an instructor…